Spackle...

I was busy touching up paint in my boys’ rooms yesterday in preparation for the mini remodels-- when I began to think about the many imperfections we cover up throughout our lives.  Just think how a small hole can turn in to a larger one when you yank the nail or screw from the wall … and how that little dab of spackle along with time and a fresh coat of paint can make that spot disappear to the average eye… yet the person that knows its whereabouts, can probably notice is everyday.  Why do I need to notice it everyday... can’t it just exist anyway?  Why do we need more nail holes...?

Must we take on everything by ourselves... the statement – If you want things done the right way, than do it yourself”… Does it mean that I really have to do it myself…or am I toooooo particular in what I need accomplished… don’t answer that. 

My point is that I am tired of covering up all the “unperfectness” in my life and doing everything myself.  Obviously—I have started writing it down for the public to read, but really—how do I even start to adjust to the “real life” which I keep behind doors when we are consistently hiding things even from ourselves. 

Having the windows open in our house as fall blows in, has also made me more aware of tones in the house. – Trevor wanting his way and communicating it…Isaac begging for just about everything and not receiving something…myself struggling to get things accomplished… a spouse questioning every move and having to know “why” to everything, except those items that really matter… just being able to accomplish that list someone had to go create…and just the everyday ways that life needs to continue.  Should I shut the windows... or let it all air out!!?

Are there windows at work that we can open to exchange thoughts?  Roads that we can control more effectively with less tension?  Traffic lights that could be in my favor… for once?

This weekend we also squeezed in 5 year old and 3 years old pictures.  My sister saw the sneak peeks and stated “it looks like they cooperated” –Glad we can pull that off!...again covering things up?

When do we have the right to speak our feelings… how?

Is it not easier to confront somebody on the phone, or in writing (emails, text, letters…pony express) than in person… they may just see your flaws too?... Or is it that we can get our entire point across without interruptions --that way?  Can we clear our thoughts and decide what is more important --… Maybe we as communicators should decide to listen instead of interrupt, let someone else’s windows air out, nail holes remain un-spackled…imagine ourselves in their unperfectness.  And realize that another day can come-- it will… and I will face it the same way I did today…with a different color of paint... we may even need some primer first, but maybe it’s best to know that others have this unperfect life to live as well…

I know I am able to share, because I know that your house is painting over everyday commotions, and applying more spackle some days over others…I know that maybe Wednesday will be better than Thursday…or Monday will need to come again.  Maybe this Saturday isn’t the Saturday we all expect… Maybe we put too much pressure on the “perfect day” of the week?  All the “flaws” in our life... Do they really need to be continuously hidden any longer?... Don’t we have the right -for our sanity- to expose those nail holes once in a while….to who… how… without being judged or ridiculed for actually saying we have them?

I know I have more painting to do.  I will apply layers of spackle everyday depending on how thick I need it and move on…there will be another Tuesday right?  Or was it the Thursday I was looking forward too?  So I guess I can’t agree with my own envisions while I was touching up our “house”, but maybe…just maybe, I will be able to talk about it more openly and expose those unperfect everyday commotions within it. 

I know this is a lot of deep thinking…but I just wanted to introduce you to the start of my unpainted hallways, and let you know I had a rough weekend and that we are allowed those and more importantly... I am not OK with it yet. 

But also PLEASE be aware that I love my life and everybody who “gets to be” in it... no I am not just stating this to please those I may irritate on the way, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything, I would just like to rearrange a few of the days and ways they come about!  As if that is possible.